Sometimes days are all so dull, nights so long, and you are left with nothing but contemplating "what a mess life is and is there really a way out now at this stage" At this point, I really dont know what the answer to the question is, but i feel that the best I can do is to sail with the flow. Yeah you might argue that its the sure shot way to get lost but then I cant loose myself any further than what I have already become, and who knows, this lost journey might lead me to some direction...
Long ago I had read somewhere "No man is ever worth your tears and the one who is wont make you cry!"-its only now that I realize what it means. Well I have decided to listen to my innerself now, listen to my heart, nurse my feelings, tend to my longings and try my best to be myself, and most importantly to be happy with myself. Just because everyone around me has decided to make me cry, doesnt me that I should do the same, and then I have my family and friends, who may not be with me at the moment, still they are always by my side when I need.
So go on and sail with the flow-I beleive I can fly! I beleive I can touch the sky!
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and cry alone!
So lonely in a crowd...i reflect back on the days when i was among the family, my family. I remember the days when went to hostel for the first time, my mother, father and sister were standing there infront of me, tears brimming their eyes, still they boldly fought them back because they didnt want me to get weak. That was the first time i faced the world on my own, learnt to fight for my rights, stand by my principles and values...and courageously came out of everything that time offered me.
today the episode is repeated once again. this time i wasnt leaving for another hostel, i was leaving for another family instead. this time, as if, by some mystical intuition, my parents knew that the journey wont be a happy one and that i would never come back, not in my normal sane self atleast.
tears broke out in their eyes, even i felt a stab in my heart, something tearing me apart from all my loved ones, all those who loved me, treasured me above everything else in the world, who would have done almost anything just to see my lips curl into a smile...still ....proudly they gave my hands into those of the stranger...thinking that he would guard their treasure just as well as they had done so far
All doubts cleared when the make-beleive mirage shattered, my parents proud was shattered, my existence was shattered. every moment i was reminded of what an omen i was...the worst daughter, the worst sister, the worst friend, the worst wife and the worst daughter-in-law...all the while i was only wondering "what did i exactly do to deserve this". ironically none, my parents, sisters, friends, absolutely none had bestowed this disgrace upon me earlier...so what changed now? Perhaps, the family, the atmosphere, and now i learnt a new lesson..."No matter how hard you try, what you give, whatever you sacrifice, an outsider always remains an outsider in other's family unless they themselves decide to take down the wall", which some do but most don't.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and cry alone!
At times life is only a loosing game. you lose all for the sake of someone you love, you wish to spend your life with, lo live with, to die with...but that someone doesnt even give a damn to what you feel and what you need. you are constantly tortured for deeds you never did, tormented for words you never spoke and not once acknowledged for all you gave up. gave up for the sake of this someone from whom you expected atleast some compassion, some understanding in return.
the question is should one still drag on with someone who always brutally thrashes your dignity, beats the strength to hang out of you, crushes your presonality, your indivisuality...
At times luck turns up in the strangest ways. It all of a sudden showers you with something that you have been dying for, but in such a disguised and contorted manner that you shiver to even think about it, but cleverly keeps you away from your deepest wishes and desires.
Well, for the past some time I've been frantically looking for a job because, firstly, I get too bugged sitting at home; secondly I am getting dumb sitting at home; thirdly am suffering from severe identity crisis; fourthly am missing my lot of friends and the fun package deal; fifthly I badly want to keep myself occupied in a constructive way and fifthly...Yes, IT IS ABOUT MONEY HONEY!
Ahh! At last I have almost got a job with quite a reasonable salary. The workplace is an international BPO where I don't know how many people are dying to get through and I don't know who's chances I've ruined by walking in there. Lady Luck, kept on knocking my doors till I finally opened one and decided to walk out, alone and in the dark. Yes the job requires me to be exclusively in night shifts.....Oooh! Now, there's the punch of the deal. Was this what I was exactly looking for? I belong to a somewhat conservative background and I can recall my elders saying,"girls of decent families don't walk out in the dark". And, although I hate to say this, am almost on the verge of breaking the good girls characteristic. God! I know how much I detest joining here but I have to because I don't have any other option. I always hated woking in call centres and BPOs and always looked down on them who worked there, but like someone has said, what goes around, comes around. I can't beleive that I actually consented for this job, but I guess.....
I sit alone today, feeling terribly guilty because I am ashaming my parents (is this what they had educated me so much for), and being dishonest with myself-is this what my highest aspirations were, is this what I dreamed of myself as, is this what I wanted to be....and....IS IT ACTUALLY ABOUT MONEY HONEY?
the most stupid thing in this world is to expect anything from anyone. You live your life expecting it to be beautiful but it isnt. You expect lady destiny to be kind to you but she doesnt. you expect people around you to be just with you but they're not.
worst of all, if you expect to spend your life with someone, all you get is a package deal. A deal in whinch you are constantly reminded that you are eating out of someone else's pocket (so be financially independent and kindly arrange for your own bread and butter), that your parents didnt give enough to support you for your life(so try and sqeeze the max out of them), that you are no way better
Isn't this an innovative way to express your feelings? well friends, this is what my husband told me a few days before we got married, only to realize later that it's true!
was I hurt when I was told this? or, was I angry? Did I feel let down, under-estimated, indignified, slapped right across my face...well I guess ....
I got married carrying a host of dreams...of a small and spacious house, a lovely relationship, peace and harmony in the family, a loving and caring husband, two pretty kids nd nothing but a million colour rainbow to unfold a new hue everyday.
well, everything is same besides a few modifications made by lady destiny....like the house is really spacious but cluttered with all the quarrels and restlessness and negativity in the air, relationship is there but it is kind of love you for a formality sorts, peace and harmony is there in the family but is somehow missing between me and my husband, I have a husband but its just that he doubts me more than he loves me and cares for me...and yeah! the kids, I don't even dream about having one, forget two, because, I shudder at the thought of the unhealthy atmosphere that am having in store for them...and the million colour rainbow has metamorphosed into nothing but million shades of grey.
Reminds me of the song-"Love me for a reason, let the reason be love!"
how do u differentiate between having sense and being sensible. well both the terms are multifaceted but for the time being i jus want 2 consider 1, caring for sum1.
2day i had sum ceremony at my home. being d only host at home, taking care of evry1, serving evry1, atteding evry1 nd being d perfect host was my job (i don want 2 sound boisterous but i pulled it off pretty well, including both d oldies nd d youngsters). but in all d hosting business, i forgot 2 cater 2 my personal needs....
4 sum reason i didnt eat nethin 4 d whole day, over d past couple of days i am ufferin 4m low BP....
And 2 my utter surprise, my dear husband walks in wid packed dosa 4 himself nd his cousins. more so he goes nd haves it in dere room least botherin if i hav had nethin at all!!!
well i don know weder dis is about havin d sense 2 care 4 ones wife or being sensible enough 2 feed a hungry person who has been workin 24X7 in your house....
The only regret in life are the risks you don tak...so vry tru na? but wat if the risk is such dat it costs u evrythin u hav...ur relations, ur family, ur frends, ur parents, ur sisters, ur dignity, ur identity, ur warmth...nd above all, ur life itself! it costs u so much dat u loose d fear of loosing nethin coz', either evrythin is at stake, or u've lost evrythin already.
Life is beautiful! wat do u really need 2 liv, guess, oder dan d basic neccessities, it is unconditional luv nd support of people close 2 ur heart. rite?
nd den d big day comes wen u hold d hand of sum1 4 lifetime, wen u start beleiving dat dis is d person u wer born 2 b wid, dis is wat luv always meant 2 b, dis wud b my pillar of support thru evry thick nd thin, my shoulder 2 cry evry time i need 1, dis is d 1 who wud put me above evrythin else in d world, luv me, care 4 me nd liv wid me selflessly till d end of dis world. BUT life is certainly not a fairytale nd d suner u wake up 2 realities, d better...Realities which we used to ignore,realities beyond which we used to convince our self,realities where we found ourselves so helpless,soooo needy ,so much injured and deeply Hurt.
Realities where u walk in2 ur rum nd ask ur mirror,"mirror mirror on d wall, tell me who loves me d best of all?" nd dat mirror shatters into pieces screaming,"certainly not d person u've married deciding 2 spen ur life wid"
dis is d point wer d horizon between a fairytale nd a human tale begins 2 blend, wer boundries start redefining demselves, nd wid a few tears shed in d solitude of night, u surrender urself 2 the REALITIES.....because ur a daughter, because ur a sister, because u do nuthin bt disgrace urself nd ur family by daring 2 liberate urself 4m d present ties nd following ur heart, only if u cud be happy after listenin 2 ur soul! which nvr happens coz luv unreturned dosent mean u stop luvin sum1. 2day, i accept d realities nd will spend my life wid him, nt coz he dosent luv me, bt coz i luv him.
GOD! if i close my eyes forevr, will it ease d pain, will i breathe again?
BUT no regrets, i wanted sumthin, nd i hav it, nd am happy, nd i will stop cryin nw, nd i wont cry again, coz y cry over sum1 who wont cry over u?
No man in dis world is worth ur tears, nd d 1 who is.....wont make u cry!
At dis point, I sign off frends. Gudnite, nd trust me, dreams do come true, but its just like....if God were a DJ , he wud hav remixed our lives.
